How To Get What You Want Every Time: ex FBI agent Chris Voss
Imagine preparing for an important event with your partner. You want to wear black shoes, but your partner prefers brown ones. How would you navigate this disagreement? Many believe negotiation should lead to a "win-win" outcome, but what does that look like in this case? Wearing one black and one brown shoe? That sounds absurd! Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, completely rejects the idea of splitting the difference.
Chris Voss is the author of the New York Times bestseller Never Split the Difference: Negotiate As If Your Life Depended On It. With over 20 years of experience dealing with high-stakes situations involving kidnappers, bank robbers, and terrorists, Chris discovered that negotiation principles apply to both life-threatening scenarios and everyday interactions. Whether negotiating with a terrorist or a business executive, the fundamentals remain the same. We negotiate daily—whether convincing kids to sleep early or persuading a friend to choose a different restaurant. According to Chris, negotiation isn’t about one side winning or losing; it’s about finding a third way that satisfies both parties.
Take, for example, two children arguing over a chocolate bar. No matter how it’s divided, they both feel shortchanged. A smarter solution? Let one child divide the chocolate and the other pick first. This is what Chris calls the "third way."
Five Essential Lessons in Negotiation
1. Seek to Understand First
Every negotiation starts with a universal truth: people want to be understood and accepted. Active listening is the most effective yet underutilized tool in negotiation. Many people focus on preparing their responses instead of truly listening, which makes the other party feel unheard. In any negotiation, people seek three things:
- To be understood.
- To be respected.
- To achieve their desired outcome.
Fail to listen, and you fail to negotiate.
2. Negotiation is Discovery, Not Battle
Seeing negotiation as a battle creates unnecessary stress. Instead, view it as a process of discovery. What does the other party truly want—money, time, respect, or recognition? Chris suggests two key tactics:
- Smile: A genuine smile can activate positivity in the brain, making both parties more receptive and increasing intelligence by 31%.
- Mirroring: Repeat the last few key words your opponent says. For example:
- Opponent: "I have high expectations and need more money."
- You: "You need more money?"
Mirroring encourages the other party to elaborate and reveal more information.
After mirroring, remain silent for at least four seconds to let the technique work.
3. Tactical Empathy
Tactical empathy involves recognizing and addressing the emotions behind words. By identifying emotional barriers, you can reshape the conversation. Use labeling to acknowledge emotions:
- If someone is passionate about their students, say: "It seems like you really care about your students."
- Labeling reassures the other party that you understand them, fostering trust and making a deal six times more likely.
Another technique is diffusing negatives with labels. If you anticipate negative emotions, acknowledge them upfront. For example, if a client is unhappy about a missed deadline, say:
- "It might seem like we’ve let you down and failed to keep our promises."
- This approach prevents the client from dwelling on complaints and shifts focus to solutions.
4. Start with "No"
Contrary to popular belief, "no" is the beginning of a negotiation, not the end. Saying "yes" can make people feel trapped, while saying "no" creates a sense of control. Compare these two approaches:
- Pushing for "Yes": "Can we talk for five minutes?"
- Triggers resistance and concerns about time commitment.
- Starting with "No": "Is this a bad time to talk for five minutes?"
- Leads to a response like, "No, it’s fine. Let’s meet in 15 minutes."
Saying "no" allows the other party to feel safe and in control, leading to better engagement.
5. Aim for "That’s Right"
One of the most powerful moments in negotiation is when the other party says, "That’s right." To get this response, summarize their key points and repeat them back.
- "That’s right" signals genuine understanding and alignment, paving the way for agreement.
- Avoid "You’re right," which often means the other person is trying to end the conversation rather than engage further.
Final Thoughts
Mastering negotiation isn’t just about getting what you want; it’s about understanding human behavior and fostering collaboration. Whether in business, personal relationships, or everyday interactions, these strategies can dramatically improve your ability to navigate conflicts and reach better outcomes.
Want to improve your negotiation skills? Start applying these techniques today!
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